Do You Need to Learn How to Parent Yourself?

article Dec 09, 2020

Do You Need to Learn How to Parent Yourself?

"Feeling Safe Inside is so Subtle We Often Don't Even Notice We Need it..."

Children that are loved and accepted unconditionally feel four conditions naturally they feel:

Acknowledged...

Appreciated...

Accepted...

And they feel Allowed.

These 4 fundamental energies happen inside us automatically when we feel safe. 

The problem is most of us don't feel safe at all, but we don't even know it.

We feel pressure, and urgency, and uncertainty, and busyness, and anxiety, and problems, and challenges, but unsafe? 

The term that catches how people are feeling all over the world right now is V.U.C.A. This invented word stands for Volatile, Uncertain, Complex, and Ambiguous. 

The US War College invented it to describe the political climate at the end of the Cold War. VUCA has become the term of choice to explain how most of us are feeling most days.

The bottom line is we don't FEEL safe.

When people feel safe, they're happy, they laugh, and they live!

They don't worry, and they don't strive to fix uncertainty in their lives by trying harder to fix problems or themselves.

Most of us define Safety as something that happens outside of us rather than inside of us. 

In emotionally abundant, secure families, Intrinsic Safety is taught naturally in the family system, so we assume everyone has this skill.

When there is a practice of unconditional love and acceptance in a system, the dynamic energies of Acknowledgement, Appreciation, Acceptance, and Allowing are harnessed continuously by the people in that system.

When people grow up in a system like this, they take actions, make choices, and think and feel with Intrinsic Safety as their foundation.

So when they run into uncertainty, pressure, or problems as adults, they feel the same things that everyone else does. Still, the way they work with that is entirely different.

When you work from a foundation of being Intrinsically Safe, you live and work from the place of knowing that your worth and value comes from who you are, what you think, feel, and believe. Not the opinions, circumstances, situations, or pressures that are going on outside of you.

When the VUCA'ness of life hits a person with Intrinsic Safety as a foundation, they have developed the skill of working with the energy inside them first, rather than reacting to what is happening outside of them as a starting point.

They slow down and focus. They quiet their minds and listen deeply to what this situation is asking of them. Then they respond.

As you can imagine, a person who responds gets very different results than a person who reacts, even though they may be doing precisely the same things outwardly.

Many people grew up in families that taught them this skill, and many, like me, did not.

When we live in a constantly changing world, continually demanding and uncertain, we feel the opposite of a Safe Space.

Whether we call this state of being V.U.C.A. or fear, anxiety, urgency, busyness, anger, reactiveness, or overwhelm doesn't matter. 

What matters is that we must slow down and listen to how we feel first and then take the actions that need to be taken so that real change can happen.

To do this, we also must find a way to give ourselves the essential ingredients of a Safe Space.

Only then will we finally live our best lives and contribute to the world, no matter what is happening around us.

I guess we essentially need to learn how to parent ourselves.

No matter how old we are, we all need to give ourselves the unconditional love and acceptance that will create a Safe Space inside us.

Once we do that, then we can serve others.

How?

The Energy of Acknowledgement

We start by learning to see ourselves honestly without any condemnation. 

When we feel acknowledged by someone, or even ourselves, we are experiencing what's right without rushing to judgement. We are just seeing.

We don't need to sell it, and we don't need to explain it.

It just is what it is.

When we acknowledge ourselves and others, we see a wonderful truth that's there to realize. 

When we linger here, the natural flow moves us to an energy of appreciation.

The Energy of Appreciation 

When we appreciate ourselves and each other, we give one another a beautiful power-filled gift that's priceless.

We let ourselves and each other off the hook.

Appreciating yourself or another person does not necessarily mean that you like what you see or experience.

It just means that you appreciate how what you are seeing is probably something that helped that person cope, navigate, and survive. 

Once you see it this way, it becomes a matter of whether or not what you are seeing is serving or not.

Every human being fulfills their longings and needs. 

This reality transcends what we believe about right and wrong.

This is why we need to have that transformative power of acceptance.

The Energy of Acceptance

Acknowledgement is realized, appreciation emerges with the help of curiosity and patience. Then we're invited into letting go of our inner taskmaster that seems to want to drive us all insane.

When is the last time that you were able to make yourself do something against your will?

When we accept all the different parts of ourselves, we're empowered to be who we are unapologetically.

When we live like this, water always finds its level. 

Acceptance melts prejudice, judgmentalism, and all forms of resistance, and all you have to do is take a deep breath and let go for it to do its work inside of you.

As you embrace this energy, acceptance gives you access to more awareness and power than you ever thought possible.

Acceptance allows you to feel safe and secure with who you are when you give it to yourself. You provide it to yourself when you give it to everything and everyone around you.

Nothing needs to change inside of you, and nothing needs to change outside of you for you to feel safe.

Of course, the paradox is that as we totally surrender and let go, we access the power to change the very things we just let go of! 

The difference is that the change has happened inside of us first, and now the things we do after that have meaning, impact, and last.

When you arrive at this point, more capacity is emerging from within you than you ever thought possible.

The energy to forgive, be compassionate, and step out in courage into the world begins to move you forward.

Wholeness is starting to align with something bigger than you.

The real practice we need to develop is to get out of our own way, so we allow what wants to happen.

The Energy of Allowing

When we feel Intrinsic Safety inside ourselves, we experience wholeness in areas that we may not have known needed healing.

There is a natural expansion in our consciousness and awareness that helps us see things differently that may have been in front of us the whole time.

We couldn't see the possibilities and potential because we didn't feel safe. 

When we don't feel safe intrinsically, we don't feel like we have space to breathe. We're too wrapped up in our reactiveness, even if that's only happening in moments inside of us.

The VUCA'ness of life had distracted us from the one place where we can always create a safe space, ourselves.

When we acknowledge, appreciate, and accept ourselves, we step into our presence, and when we do, it's transformational.

We have become the transformational presence of our lives.

The Energy of Allowing also gives us access to all of the energy we need to do everything we came to this planet. 

It doesn't matter whether that's making a sandwich for a child, scrubbing a toilet, or putting an end to apartheid. 

When we step into a practice of the Four Energies that create a Safe Space inside us, we change our world, for one and all, by starting within ourselves.

 

Trace Hobson lives in British Columbia, Canada, and spends his time teaching people from all walks of life how to create a safe space in their meetings with each other.

Trace facilitates a Free 5-day Safe-Space Gathering where people can learn the step-by-step process for creating a safe space for themselves and the people they want to serve.

If there is an upcoming Safe Space Gathering look on the margin of this page and there will be a registration for dates this month, but if not...

Click below to find out about the next dates:

Check out the Safe Space Challenge by Clicking Here

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